Blind Spots and Aha Moments
I recently spoke to a dear high school friend who told me after a visit to Vancouver, he and his wife were seriously considering moving there. He was quick to point out its mild climate, natural beauty, and relaxed lifestyle. He mentioned everyone was friendly and welcoming, and they felt extremely comfortable, unlike with people from Boston or NY. I admittedly like to play devil’s advocate, and I said although I concur Vancouver is stunning and friendly, I do not really think people are that different behind the superficial veneer. It is true that culturally, ethnically, socio-economically, we are different. And yet, take all the surface differences away and are there really that many more nice people who live in Vancouver who are willing to accept you and be your friend?
There is a term from the 1960’s that has re-entered our vernacular recently called “confirmation bias” when a person focuses on information that supports their beliefs and filters out anything that might contradict it, reinforcing their opinion without considering the full picture.
Going back to the Bostonians and New Yorkers, both groups have negative reputations. Bostonians are known for being bad drivers (that may be true due to chaotic roads), arrogant and unfriendly. And yet, I love going to Red Sox games and conversing with the local folks sitting around me, chatting on the T or in line at a coffee shop, seeing families with their children playing in the public garden. People are friendly most of the time, if you look them in the eyes and smile. And New Yorkers are known for being tough and rude. I may have had that confirmation bias about New Yorkers until nearly 30 years ago when we vacationed at a summer family resort on the outer Cape Cod and met some native New Yorkers who we’ve seen every summer since and consider some of our best friends.
The French are another group that get a bad rap. So many people I know talk about negative experiences with French people, and how snobby and unhelpful the French are, particularly Parisians. I have been to France 3 times and other than negative experiences at the airport (I will give them a pass due to the extenuating stressful circumstances of travel), I have had nothing but wonderful experiences. Last year, we were driving the highway toward Provence and stopped at a rest top to get a cappuccino at McDonald’s. Yes, you read that right! My husband Karl, who had been practicing his French for a few months on Duolingo, ordered a cappuccino in his best version of French. The woman behind the counter laughed in a playful way and then helped Karl to pronounce the request properly. She proceeded to make two of the best cappuccinos we have ever had! Further south in Saint-Remy-de-Provence, we looked for a restaurant where we could order a café and a croissant for breakfast. It was raining heavily, and we did not want to walk around. We chose the first restaurant we encountered and ordered our café and croissant. The waiter/owner told us he did not offer croissants, but we could cross the street to the bakery and purchase croissants which we could then eat at his restaurant. We decided to finish our cafés and then go to the bakery. A few minutes later, the owner came back, a little drenched, with two almond croissants on a plate. He said he did not want us to get wet. We were so touched at his generosity and elevated level of service.
Many years ago, we went to Paris with our children for an anniversary trip. Karl wanted to see the Catacombs; huge, labyrinthian, underground quarries with ghoulishly arranged skeletons which were transferred from cemeteries centuries before. When we ascended after our tour, we had no clue where we were, and I spoke only marginally passable French. A lovely older woman noticed our confusion, came to our aid, and showed us how to navigate our way back to our hotel.
As humans, we are all susceptible to confirmation bias. It is human nature to categorize, compartmentalize, generalize and segment into tribes. It is easier. However, if we notice when something unexpected happens, if someone we pre-judged treats us kindly and with respect, perhaps we can break the habit and model ourselves into being more accepting and compassionate humans. After all, we are really not that different.